Worry

*Warning, this is a jumble of my emotions and thoughts.*

I worry!  A lot!  About everything!  I didn't think I was a worrier.  I never really used to be.  I have always been sort of a hypochondriac, but it was always more in a joking way.  "Look at this freckle!"  "Do you think it's cancer?"  "Oops never mind, it was dirt"  That sort of thing.

Then I got pregnant.  Lost it.  Pregnant 2 more time.  Lost them.  Pregnant a 4th time!  Success!   I worried every single day.  Complications in my first trimester resulted in weekly ultrasounds.  I still worried.  Up until the day that my beautiful little boy was born, I worried. 

Then I worried about everything with him.  Is that a fever, a weird bruise, is he breathing?  It took me until he was 6 months old to be able to drive out to Wentzville without reaching back to see if he was still breathing.  Every morning that he didn't wake me first, I have a moment of panic.  My worries and fears have changed as this year has gone by.  But they are still there.

Now the pregnancy worries are back again.   I thought having a completely healthy pregnancy would relax me a little.  It hasn't.  Every cramp, every weird pinch, sends me into a tailspin of panic.  On the outside, I think I am playing it cool.  Inwardly, I am a wreck!  It is crazy and I know it!  But I also know of people that made it "this far" and then had the worst thing happen.  I know that doesn't mean it will or won't happen to me.  I have done an okay job of staying off the internet this time around.  I haven't googled everything!

My biggest fear is my check up next week.  Travis is leaving that morning and I am so afraid that something won't be ok and he won't be able to come back.  Totally irrational, but the thought is still there!


Please someone, tell me how to stop being such a worrywart!  I am driving myself crazy, not to mention my poor husband!!!!!